


Know All The Things That Make You Who You Are

by Sweetysweetssugarytreats



Series: He Will Be Loved [1]
Category: Gintama
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Established Relationship, Fluff, Love, M/M, Romance, can this be cosidered a romantic gesture?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-26
Updated: 2019-10-05
Packaged: 2019-12-18 04:19:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 5,508
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18242261
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sweetysweetssugarytreats/pseuds/Sweetysweetssugarytreats
Summary: “…You shouldn’t be here.”“And you think that’s enough to keep me away from you?”





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote this in one hour and a half because I needed to get things off my chest and I had this scene of them stuck in my head, so that’s why this is messy. I guess this can be linked to a future chapter in the ‘If I Could Say What I Want To Say’ universe, or simply read as an alternate universe one-shot. 
> 
> I changed the lyrics of the song for obvious reasons, the title also comes from the song.

 

_I don’t mind spending every day_

_Out on your corner in the pouring rain_

_Look for the_ boy _with the broken smile_

_Ask_ him _if_ he _wants to stay a while_

_And_ he _will be loved…_

_-Maroon 5,_ [She Will Be Loved](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pUVxaYdgS_Q)

 

 

Hijikata had his face buried in his hands, he was trying to keep his breaths steady but it was a task far too challenging to manage in that moment. He exhaled with some difficulty and combed a rough hand through his already dishevelled hair, his eyes stung and the lump in his throat was hard to swallow down while he was staring determinedly at a random spot in the blank wall.

He was trying to think, but the only thoughts catching up to him were jumbled together, too messed up to have a logic connection that would make sense. It felt like everything was becoming worse. But worse was turning in the  _worst_.

He just wanted to numb the pain in his head and he wanted to numb the pain in his heart too, because people often said that loving with your head and loving with your heart were two different things, but they forgot to say that feeling pain with your heart and feeling pain with your head were also two different things. And no matter how much you analyze and rationalize with your head the causes, it still _hurts._

His phone started ringing.

He sighed exhausted. He didn’t want to pick it up, he didn’t want to talk to anyone, or do anything really, except maybe wallow in his self-pity and hope situations could be magically turned around or even disappear altogether.

Something inside didn’t let him ignore the call however, because what if it was something urgent? Or maybe even good news? In his haste to grab the device from the nightstand beside the bed he didn’t bother checking the caller ID. As soon as he was about to talk the voice on the other side interrupted him.

“Look outside the window.”

The cellphone almost dropped from his hand when he heard Gintoki’s deep and clear voice fill his right ear. It took approximately one second and a half to let his brain decipher the words and soon enough he was scrambling to his feet, trying not to trip over the furniture in the spacious hotel room and get to the window because- his heart was pounding in his head- what if he really was…

When he drew back the curtains his mouth dropped open in shock.

Gintoki was standing outside.

The lamplights illuminated the streets in a play of lights and shadows, settling on him in a way that was so perfect it was difficult to believe it had not, somehow, been intentional, because he was shining in the darkness of the night.

When Hijikata had first arrived it had been raining and the weather forecast said it might snow during the night. Now it was neither raining nor snowing, instead, as if the weather could not decide what it wanted to be, it was a mixture of the two pouring down the sky, like blood from an open cut.

And Gintoki was standing right under it. From the glass getting washed in droplets Hijikata could see his red scarf, both of them had worn it so much now he didn’t even know if it belonged to himself or Gintoki anymore. He felt like running down and running in his arms but his feet were rooted to the spot.

“…What the fuck are you doing here?” Really, that was the only question that came to mind.

“You think I’d be back at home lazing around and just wasting time until you came back? Hey, I know you expect me to be a shitty boyfriend but I have a limit too.”

And even if he was on the fourth floor he could still make out Gintoki’s expression, somehow, and connect it to his voice, and in his mind he could see Gintoki’s sarcastic and easy-going smirk clearly, a smirk that had a deeper edge to it.

Hijikata sighed tiredly, feeling a distinct sense of guilt settling on the pit of his stomach even if Gintoki hadn’t meant for it to be taken seriously. “I don’t think you’re a shitty boyfriend you moron, I just…. Gintoki-”

“God, I like it so much when you say my name.” Gintoki’s low whisper set off tiny goosebumps crawling over his skin, his voice was dripping with honesty and he wondered if the man was even aware of it. “I missed that.”

Hijikata pressed his lips together in an attempt to reel himself in because words- embarrassingly sweet words- were threatening to spill out of his mouth.

“…Gintoki.” He repeated his name again in a sort of clipped way, like he was trying to cut off the imminent emotions willing to mess his head up even more.

“I missed you so much, Toshiro.”

How could Hijikata even  _try_ after  _that?_ Gintoki wasn’t playing fair and his heart was already aching for him.

He saw him put his other hand on his pocket, there was a tint of lightness in his tone that Hijikata had craved for _days._ “…You know, this kinda feels like a scene out of a movie, or one of those old romantic songs. I told you I was good at the whole romance thing-y.”

Hijikata bit his lip to try and steer off a few chuckles, but he decided that laughing might actually be the best medicine at the moment and he let his quiet voice ring freely for less than a few seconds, and tried to forcefully push in his brain the memory of Gintoki’s light-hearted attempts at romance amidst the dark thoughts stuck in there like parasites.

He nodded as if Gintoki could clearly see the action. “Yeah, you did.”

“I was even thinking about serenading you. I could just straight up start singing right here right now, but I have an impending feeling that you’d end up being an asshole about it and start laughing at my very earnest and profound efforts.” His tone was as playful as it may be and the smile was transparent in his voice, but the  _way_  he had said it sounded as if he was seriously considering the option, and Hijikata’s chest was tightening like it wanted to crush his heart because Gintoki had driven so many miles just to see him, and to make him laugh, and to make him forget, and to try and make him feel better, and Hijikata had no idea why Gintoki thought he deserved so much from him.

“Please spare my eardrums.” He mumbled through the chuckles even though he wanted to do nothing else but melt in a fountain of happily falling tears.

“I knew it, you’re such an asshole.” Gintoki whispered in the receiver in the sweetest way.

“And you’re a jerk.” Hijikata murmured back in gratefulness.

It felt like miles were separating them and at the same time it felt like they were only inches apart.

“…You shouldn’t be here.” Hijikata murmured in a hushed tone, but he said it in the same way someone who wanted their lover to be right there with them would do.

Gintoki smiled in a way that was both confident and unsure.

Because he was a continuous antithesis Hijikata thought that after all this time he had been able to almost piece together.

However Gintoki’s voice was sure when he spoke. “And you think that’s enough to keep me away from you?”

His words were as surprisingly unexpected as they were warmly welcomed and the storm outside was taking place inside him as well, and Hijikata’s heart was so  _full_  because he was here, he really was  _here_.

“I wouldn’t mind spending the whole night- no, I wouldn’t mind spending the whole night and the day after, and the next week, and the next month, and the next year, and whatever comes after that, right here under this storm, until my hands wrinkle up so badly from the rain I’ll put all the old men at the bar to shame, just to tell you that your eyes are the most fucking beautiful thing to exist.”

Hijikata didn’t know if he wanted to laugh or cry. He settled for quiet chuckles and blinked rapidly because Gintoki’s figure seemed a little distorted from the tears filling his vision.

“And that I like seeing you smile. Seriously, I like it so much I’m starting to think it’s a problem.”

A little laugh made its way past his throat this time and he couldn’t stop it.

Gintoki’s voice sounded as heavy as Hijikata felt. “…But it  _hurts_  me knowing that right now instead of smiling you’re trying to hide the tears from me. Knowing I can’t do anything to make this… this  _mess_  stop.”

Hijikata’s mouth opened slightly and then closed, he swallowed and blinked quickly, the liquid hanging to his eyelashes wasn’t helping. Gintoki’s words, so straightforward and sincere, were like a gentle punch to his gut.

The man was soaked to the bones by now, there was an almost unnoticeable waver in his voice and even from however feet apart they were and the slightly fogged up glass, Hijikata could still imagine seeing Gintoki’s trembling arms.

“…You’re an idiot.” He surrendered, let the tears fall from his eyes, he couldn’t stop them this time.

Gintoki’s own tears were almost ready to fall. “I’m your idiot.”

Hijikata thumped his forehead against the glass, the shocking cold of it felt heavenly on his feverish skin, and he splayed his hand across the window as if he could go through it and reach Gintoki this way. He focused on the not exactly even breaths on the other line.

“You can’t… you can’t just do things like-”  _coming all the way here just to tell me these beautiful words and make me feel like the luckiest man alive to have you in my life_ “-this.” He whispered instead.

Gintoki’s lovely and light-hearted laughter seeped into his voice. “I don’t mind. Just to see you smile I could stay right here and keep telling you how much I love you, every day, until you get tired of it. I would do anything for you Toshiro… but you already know that.”

Hijikata squeezed his eyes shut even tighter, because with every sentence Gintoki was adding, a new emotion spread through him, and there were so many layers right now it felt like he was being physically attacked.

Hijikata’s eyes filled with something Gintoki couldn’t see but he could feel. “Yeah. I know.”

“I would go through hell and back for you.”       

Gintoki’s voice was stripped down of anything but truth.

Hijikata’s soul was stripped down of anything but brokenness.

“…I know.”

“I love you…” Gintoki’s eyes filled with something Hijikata couldn’t see but he could feel. “I love you so fucking much. You know that?”

Hijikata  _knew._ And not just because he had heard the confession countless times already. He could see it in everything Gintoki did. And for the two of them actions truly did speak louder than words.

He pressed his phone closer to his ear, as if he could have Gintoki closer too this way.

And suddenly everything came crashing down, rushing through him in painful ways that he knew he was unable to deal with on his own. And Gintoki was here for that reason, because he  _knew_  that he needed him right now, he needed him more than he needed to breathe in oxygen to stay alive, and as scary as the notion was, it was so infinitely comforting knowing he was here.

Seeing him out of the window was not enough. He needed to have Gintoki with him right this instant.

“I would-” Gintoki began but this time Hijikata interrupted him.

“If you don’t come up I’m coming down.” His voice was laced with the type of urgency he felt only with _him._

Gintoki ended their phone call, he was already running towards the entrance.

It felt like an hour and a second when he heard the loud knocks, he was already standing in front of the door so he wasted no time and opened it.

Dripping wet and with laboured breaths from all the stairs he had ran up Gintoki was the perfect resemblance of a waterfall, but water couldn’t even dare to hide the feelings showing on his face and he was the most beautiful sight Hijikata had ever been surprised with. He almost lost the words he wanted to say.

“I fucking love you too you idiot.”

Gintoki pretended to scoff even if the lilt to his lips was more emotional than Hijikata’s. “Stop being so cheesy. You’re making me cringe from second-hand embarrassment.”

Hijikata’s mouth dropped open in outrage this time. “You literally embodied cheesiness with your confessions under the rain and-and those lines about my eyes and… just like something out of a chick-flick and  _I’m_  the  _embarrassing_  one? I-”

“I love you.” Gintoki interrupted him in the best way someone could be ever interrupted, as if he was repeating the words until Hijikata’s head could not be possibly filled with anything else but his love for him.

And Hijikata’s eyes were swimming in salty liquid all over again.

“Shut up.” He said instead of saying ‘please say it again’ and he knew that Gintoki  _knew,_  and they were both smiling like two idiots.

Gintoki finally took a step forward and enveloped him in his arms.

It was  _everything._

Hijikata had tried for days on end to never stop and think about Gintoki’s warm and reassuring hold, because he thought that once he did he wouldn’t be able to stay here without him anymore, and now his theory had just been proven right.

They remained locked in like they had been starved of each other’s touch for years.

He was probably the only person in the entire planet who could make him feel like broken pieces could turn unbroken.

“I’m right here.” The words were muffled on his shoulder and Hijikata could feel Gintoki’s warm breath and his wet clothes right on his skin. He didn’t think he had ever felt a more wonderful contrast in all his years alive. “I’m always going to be here for you.”

And his words… they drove a pathway into his heart and destroyed all his carefully crafted defences and built up walls like wrecking balls in the span of a few lonely heartbeats.

Knowing there was someone he could depend on, someone like Gintoki, who knew him more than he even knew himself… it felt so downright  _relieving_ he could cry again.

The smile on his face didn’t fade however and he tried to bring his boyfriend impossibly closer, their hearts were beating out of key and at the same time they were in sync with one another.

“I know.” He lost count of how many times he had said it that night. “…I’ll always be here for you too.” He added just so Gintoki would  _know_ too.

He felt his smile widen on his shoulder when he replied. “Yeah. I know.”

When Hijikata felt like he wouldn’t fall to pieces if Gintoki stopped holding him, he leaned away, only slightly, enough to be able to look at him. Gintoki’s emotions were racing through his eyes and he carefully tried to recognize most of them.

“There’s something else that always happens at the end of those movies.” His voice dragged over him like petals on his skin.

Hijikata’s gaze didn’t leave his. “And what’s that?”

Gintoki brought up a hand and stroked the side of his face tenderly. “A kiss.”

Hijikata’s mouth curved up at the edges and Gintoki erased the distance between them.

They kissed with the taste of wet rain and salty tears hanging off their lips, Gintoki’s other hand came to rest on the back of his neck and Hijikata was gripping his shoulders. It was slow and hard at the same time, they tried to convey their feelings through their mouths moving in tandem and in the middle of it, for one reason or another, they started smiling and snickering, rendering the kissing part a little more difficult. So how was that one of the best kisses they ever had?

When they parted for air Gintoki cupped both his cheeks and pressed a few more gentle pecks to his lips, if Hijikata had not melted already he sure did now. He opened his eyes through the daze clouding his brain and Gintoki still seemed to be shining.

“How did you even get here?” He managed to ask in his rather mollified state.

“I bribed a taxi driver.” Gintoki grinned confidently, then his face fell a little. “It didn’t work.” But he lit up again. “Then I got into another taxi, I was dropped a few blocks away and ran all the way here until I was sure the driver lost me so I didn’t have to pay.”

“Of course.” Hijikata was doing that thing between shaking his head unimpressed and laughing amused, he should have expected something like that, and he was so incredibly glad Gintoki had done so just to come and see him.

And he wanted him to stay here, he didn’t think he would be able to handle the thought of Gintoki leaving after this.

“…Stay?” Hijikata asked with the fear he would leave.

Gintoki’s already soft eyes softened impossibly so and he put on a smirk to balance out his expression. “You really think I’d leave after this grand romantic gesture? What kind of gentleman would I be?”

Hijikata felt like laughing in relief, he did.

Gintoki’s smirk became a smile and he pulled him in once again, kissing his skin as if it was the physical reassurance he needed to know that things were going to eventually get fixed.

Hijikata was starting to get lost in the affection and adoration the man was showing, his sweet words already making him feel warm under his skin and safe, when Gintoki’s voice interrupted his inner thoughts once again.

“Not to ruin the atmosphere or anything… but my pants are so wet they’re sticking to my ass. And not in the good way.”

Hijikata pulled away and made a face. “Is there even a good way?”

And they both snorted.

The adrenaline rush was so strong they found something stupid a lot funnier than it should really be. It didn’t take long for them to double over themselves and Hijikata vented out all the heavy feelings hanging over him like a ghost, he started laughing so hard tears fell from his eyes, and Gintoki followed right after him.

And for a while Hijikata forgot anything that didn’t involve the love Gintoki made him feel.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> At first I wanted to come up with a reason why Hijikata was feeling sad for the plot, but I think it’s better if everyone just comes up with their own in the end, imagine whatever you want, honestly the important part was just Gintoki being there for him. 
> 
> And this was very badly written but it’s okay, I just needed to get it out tonight.
> 
>  
> 
> If you’re sad and don’t have a Gintoki don’t worry, your Gin will come around eventually. And until then you can let me annoy you with a lot of fluff :)


	2. Can You Keep Me Close? Can You Love Me Most?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, I know this story has a second part already... but I really don't like it? A couple of days ago I re-read these two and I just felt the need to really write another part to this... so I did? Also forgive me for this messy thing, tomorrow I'll re-edit it and hopefully make it at least half-decent? 
> 
> And please listen to the song because it's very beautiful and comforting in case you need to be comforted?

 

 

_You were alone, left out in the cold_

 

_Clinging to the ruin of your broken heart_

 

_Hear the fallen and lonely cry out:_

 

_Will you fix me up? Will you show me hope?_

 

_The end of the day and we're helpless_

 

_Can you keep me close?_

_Can you love me most?_

 

[Vancouver Sleep Clinic, Someone To Stay](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=32OXAVhMI1Y)

 

 

 

Hijikata was staring at the ceiling of the hotel room.

He was lying in the comfort of the too wide bed, feeling restless as he stared at the chandelier that seemed to be made of crystal. He kept staring until bright spots danced in front of him, until his temples started to throb, until he had to squeeze his eyes to differentiate the white of the ceiling from the white of the light, almost as if he couldn't distinguish reality from the distorted image of the reality in front of his eyes.

He could faintly hear the shower running, the water hitting the tiles and the humming of a song. He smiled to himself. Even if he had insisted for him to do so before he caught a cold, Gintoki had not even wanted to take a warm shower, no matter how much he was freezing in his clothes. And all because he didn't want to leave him alone, not even for even a second.

But the sweet, sweet thoughtfulness made something sour take up a space inside of him, thrumming up his ribcage until he was left with nothing but an overpowering taste of bitterness. Guilt and hopelessness made themselves known next, obscuring most of the light-heartedness he had found himself in, if only for a few and feeble minutes. Anger rose up in him like bile, clawing its way inside of him, its presence was becoming an unwelcome occurrence lately. And the sheer frustration of it all was enough to leave him without an ounce of strength.

 _'The process of being broken is an exhausting one'_  his mind supplied unhelpfully the quote he had read somewhere and that kept repeating itself like a mantra, lately more often than ever.

Being alone was horrifying in reminding him how he ended up losing his way, on the way to lose himself too. In the middle of the night, haunted by unending strings of cruel thoughts and ruthless nightmares, in the silence quite so loud that became defeaning, he feared this kind of loneliness would end up killing him.

He wondered how much brokenness a heart could take before it had enough and-

He was startled from his dark musing when the door to the adjoining bathroom practically burst open, as if on purpose, revealing an already dressed Gintoki- in clothes he had borrowed from him- toweling the damp ends of his hair.

His expression made something inside Hijikata's heart flutter. He looked so innocent in that moment, like a kid lost inside a candy store with the way his eyes glinted under the light.

"This bathroom is  _so_  nice!" Gintoki exclaimed with way too much energy for someone who had spent the past hours locked inside a taxi (or two?) with the beginning of a storm raging on outside. "And seriously, every place in the world should have that kind of bathtub!"

Hijikata huffed, the exhaled breath making its way past his lungs came out as more of a snort, and all of a sudden he found himself smiling. How could Gintoki always have this kind of ability to make him forget, at least for a while? It was a mystery, but a mystery he was fine leaving unsolved.

He lifted his head to have a better look at him. "If every place had such a nice bathroom no one would want to get out anymore."

Gintoki cracked a grin at him. "Yeah and that'd be awesome."

Hijikata shook his head, but the pull of his lips went a little higher, making him smile a little brighter.

Gintoki's grin softened, his eyes did too. As if walking on a rope with no safety net to catch him, he made his way toward him.

Hijikata wondered what kind of expression he wore, if he was so transparent that Gintoki felt the need to walk in such a fragile line around his heartache, or if that was just Gintoki's way of being cautious about something he didn't understand in its whole.

But that seemed a flimsy detail when he could read so clearly the tenderness in Gintoki's face, in the way he moved, in his every action. And to think he was the cause made equal parts of regret and pride flare up inside of him.

Gintoki crawled over the bed, almost soundlessly so, his comforting weight created a dip in the mattress and the silhouette of his body found Hijikata's, their shadows touched before they did.

"Hey." Gintoki murmured, low and sweet and gentle, leaning in enough for Hijikata feel the warmth of his breath washing over his face.

"…Hey." He replied in a hushed tone, tilting his head toward him.

Sudden heaviness burst through the easy atmosphere, bringing in feelings Hijikata, or maybe the both of them, didn't want to have to deal with. It almost felt like it all came crashing down, leaving him weak and unsteady and utterly exhausted.

As if reading the thoughts scattering themselves to bits in his mind, Gintoki leaned in. He stopped only a breath away to nudge his nose affectionately with his own. The gesture was so delicate in its innocence it made Hijikata's insides fill with a content kind of high that momentarily suppressed the sizzling of the hurt. Before Gintoki could pull away he was already closing in on him, the next moment they were kissing.

It was nothing more than a whisper at first, a touch of lips on lips, a stuttered breath, a skip of the heartbeat, and then his heart was skipping eight beats at once.

Hijikata's lips were soft in their demand, there was a devastating sort of quality in their willingness to find a distraction. But Gintoki could never be a mere distraction, he was too important, too meaningful to be a simple mean to forget, rather he was the welcome change of pace he had needed in the despairing and lonely hours that had stretched into days but that felt like small lifetimes.

He gripped Gintoki like he was an anchor that would save him from the unforgiving sea, but in his haste he forgot to try and conceal every single feeling pouring out of him. There was a creeping sense of panic trailing up his spine when he thought about Gintoki being able to discern his deepest and darkest secrets. Hijikata wondered if he could tell that he wanted to be at the center of his world, that he felt something akin to an obsessing yearn to be loved by him, and just how much that scared him.

Hijikata's body language changed, his slow movements became erratic, more chaotic, until he reached a point that could only be described as desperate.

It was then that he realized there were tears hanging to his eyelashes and a lump in his throat threatened to make him implode from the inside and leave his shattered pieces naked for all the world to see.

He recoiled abruptly, putting distance between Gintoki and himself to cover up the weaknesses that came tumbling out of him the closer they were. The heavy breaths pushing past his lips made it a tad more difficult to find the clarity he so tremendously wanted to feel.

"I…" He tried to speak, to say something, to come up with an excuse, but the words piling up in his mind didn't find a way to come out of his throat and he felt like suffocating.

"It's okay." Gintoki's voice was almost shocking to hear in that moment, the effortless reassurance fell from his lips in petal-soft words. "You can let go now."

Hijikata's fists clamped shut tight on the fabric, he lowered his head to hide his face and gritted his teeth.

No.

He wouldn't let go because he never let go.

And maybe that wasn't the healthiest option at the moment, but it was the only one he  _knew._

Somehow showing Gintoki this broken side of him, letting him see what he was like at his worst, letting him know this kind of vulnerability first-hand… in his head that would end up in tragedy. He couldn't even bare to think about the consequences of the aftermath.

He didn't let himself give in. And yet, he still he reached out for him, because that didn't mean he didn't want a way to replace this pain, excruciating in its never-ending onslaught.

 

_Kiss me now_

 

Once again Hijikata brought him closer to himself, almost impossibly so, until they were tangled up in each other, until he got on top of him, almost straddling him in his hurry to find an end to this. And if usually the act was a crave for intimacy, it was nothing but a cry for help this time.

 

_Make all this hurt disappear_

 

His insides were convulsing, scorched by the poison in his mind affecting his every single thought of every single thing he could think of. Once blooming flowers were like sharp thorns now crawling up his skin and leaving scars in their wake, suffocating him, until there was not enough air in the whole world to let him breathe.

 

_Please take all the pain away_

 

It felt like the world was black and white, its once screaming colors and vibrant shades were replaced by the kind of bleakness that, piece by piece, tore to shreds everything in sight, leaving broken scraps at his feet. And the worst was how completely immobilized he was by the gravity of such a loss.

Tears burned behind his eyelids, the sting so agonizing it reached every part of his being, scarring his heart until his hope fell through.

Every bit of everything hurt.

He pushed against it still, and tried not to think, tried not to rationalize, tried to forget anything and everything that was not the one person he had come to love the most in the world.

He didn't let up, clinging onto him with reckless abandon until it wasn't even a question of kissing anymore. Because as strong as Hijikata's emotions were, Gintoki's were almost twice as much with the way he was wearing his heart on his sleeve, communicating love without even needing the use of words.

That made him want to cry for another reason altogether.

Gintoki's hands were tender, soothing in the way his fingers stroked his face, helping him find its edges that were meant to fit like puzzle pieces in his own. The way Hijikata was being held was precious, not like he was a broken toy that needed to be fixed as he had instead convinced himself. It made him feel wanted.

What would he even do without him?

The thought was torturing in the loveliest way. Needing to depend on someone left his pride bruised in permanent black and blue, left shame carving hollowness up his chest in the size of his heart.

He never wanted to ask for help, he never wanted to  _need_  help, because the thought of needing someone to get through another day was enough to tear him apart.

But that someone happening to be Gintoki was somehow the reason his broken pieces could be put back together.

And maybe, just maybe, in its bigger picture the matter wasn't as bad as it seemed. Perhaps it was alright to need someone if there was a balance, without the loneliness becoming toxic or the dependence becoming self-destructive. But that was only a figment of a thought in the back of his mind that soon became forgotten.

The molding of their mouths lost its sharpness when Hijikata, finally, stopped feeling with his head and started feeling with his heart, until everywhere Gintoki's body came in contact with his own set off a burning kind of energy that helped him find a little of himself, and find a little more of him. When they came up for air melted ruby lost itself in the depth of ice cerulean.

With a heavy heart Hijikata let himself fall. Gintoki was there to catch him.

And there truly was nothing more he could ask for at the moment.

 

_He is here_

 

Gintoki's arms were the safety blanket during a freezing storm, the fire that burned just to keep him warm, the daylight that chased away the shadows of the night.

 

_He is here for me_

 

It left him feeling so full he could combust from the warmth, making him question if he really was deserving of being loved, of being loved this much, and he didn't know if he would ever find an answer but he didn't even want to, not now, not when he managed to find a slice of peace after days of hell.

He wrapped his own arms around Gintoki, letting his eyes fall shut and his brain shut off, as if Gintoki's mere presence could create walls secure enough to protect him from the dangers he found himself unable to face.

"…How long will you stay?" His voice came out low and rough, it scratched at his throat as if he hadn't spoken in days and he hated how he sounded, but he couldn't help himself asking, dying to know how long he could hold onto him and onto the peace he brought.

"As long as you want me to." Gintoki replied without any hesitance whatsoever, shifting to be as close as close could be.

Hijikata's heart almost sang in relief, the rush so strong it left him dizzy. He didn't fight it this time, he let sleep crawl up through his senses, numbing his racing mind in tired waves of nothingness. As the last threads of conciousness left him he couldn't help but think what a dangerous answer that was. Because if given the chance he would never let him go.

He had never given much thought to what people said about  _forever._  After meeting Gintoki however,  _always_  took on a new meaning for him.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I was honestly very emotional when I wrote the first chapter of this story and I tried to get back into that mindset to write this one too and, wow it actually kind of hurt?


End file.
